A Look Inside
by Neon Star
Summary: Tommy confesses his feelings of his days as a Ranger to Jason. Tommy's POV Now updated with Jason's POV.
1. Default Chapter

This was a rather strange plot bunny that wondered into my mind. Its probably really AU, and Zordon fans, I would advise not reading it. Tommy fans, this isn't your normal Tommy, so be open minded when you read this. Sorry if I messed up a few facts, it's been a long time since I've seen PR.  
  
Hope you enjoy it. :)  
  
Don't own Tommy, nor anything mentioned here.  
  
A Look Inside  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
It's been a while, hasn't it? Wondered when you would come back, wondered when you would talk to me again.   
  
We've changed, haven't we? For the better, for the worse? Can't really tell, don't really want to. It's been too long.  
  
Don't look so up tight. This is just your bro, the one you handed everything over to, the one who saved your ass so many times, whose soul you saved, and the one that nearly killed you. Remember?   
  
It's a blur, you know, a real blur. I'm just like you now, and yet not. You've gone on living, and I'm stuck. Sure, I've got a job, a great one, but there is something missing.  
  
You winced, hate what I just said? Well, the truth hurts, as they say.  
  
Sit down; you're making me nervous. How did we get like this? How did we turn our backs on each other? We're best friends, were best friends. Bros, Power Rangers.  
  
That's it, I can see it. You want it as much as I, well, tough luck, we've given it up. We've shared the same color, never the same power, but the color was the same.  
  
We wore the blood we shed, didn't we? That red symbolized something beyond us. If the others failed, we were the ones to finish it, no matter what happened. Zordon made sure we knew that. No matter if our blood was spilt, or another's, we just had to finish the mission, that was the most important thing.  
  
I always thought the red was to hide the blood. We're the only ones to really bleed, are we not? But we're not human enough to show it. We were the Leaders, we couldn't show weakness. Zordon made that clear as well.  
  
Now you agree, now we're getting there. And the other colors? I've had three, yet more powers then imagined. It hurts sometimes, to still feel the backlash of all those powers swirling in my blood, reminding me of everything, and wounding me further with each day.  
  
Oh, let's go with the rest. Green. Now that was a color I wish I could have kept. It was really the only one I felt comfortable in. Green wasn't just evil, no, it also meant living. It meant I was different from even you, though we shared the same powers. It meant I was free, only choosing to follow you and Zordon. Then Zordon decided to chain me down, right after Rita tore me apart.  
  
I lost my freedom when I lost my powers. Its dying was like I was dying. I hated it, I hated everything. Zordon knew it, knew my weakness, and decided to use it to tie me down.  
  
He was losing you; he knew it, though you didn't. You were becoming like me, wild, ready, unwilling to follow him. But I was falling, and he needed a leader who would obey. Thus came white, and green died.  
  
White, oh, I was not pleased. It showed me as I wasn't, and yet how I was. It showed me as reborn, back in the fight, just as I was. Without a spot of evil, now that was a lie. I still had darkness in me, but I wasn't allowed to show it. No, had to be perfect, couldn't fail. It was my chain, the thing that bound me to the will of Zordon. The others didn't see it, but you had begun to.  
  
I know it hurt when he ripped the leadership away, I could see it in your eyes as he proclaimed me the leader of our group. I could see how much you wished to protest, and I wish you had, I wish you had at least tried to free me. I didn't resent you though, no, that came later. But it must have truly hurt to have your leadership ripped away by the person who you served with your life's blood, to be given to who you considered a brother. Betrayal hurts, what more can I say.  
  
You left afterwards, giving me full range, full control. I wasn't ready, and it over powered me. Rangering became everything to me, everything. I couldn't breath without feeling the power in me, no matter what power it was. Morphin', Zeo, Turbo, they were all same, yet oh so different. A gentle lover, and a very cruel Master, I was enslaved to the worst, yet greatest thing imaginable to me. That was what the power was to me, and it hurts even now.  
  
I hated you after a while. For leaving me there, for seemingly to abandon me. Don't give me that look. That was how I felt. Sure, you called and wrote constantly, but I didn't have you to shelter me from Zordon's control, from evil's embrace, from the power.  
  
Only Kim saved me, holding on to a little piece of my dying heart. Until she left, then I fully fell. My memories are so blurred during that time. School, kill the monster, check on Kim, sleep. That was my life, and I didn't realize how much I hated it, until the letter. That snapped my will, and created something stronger within me. I resisted Zordon, I resisted the powers, I played along, but I resisted the whole way. Zordon was troubled, and was looking to replace me, just as he replaced you, but he couldn't. No one could take my job, not yet. I was too powerful to control, too wild to tame, but he still had a hold on me. No matter how much I resisted my own powers, they had a hold on my soul, and Zordon had a hold on those powers.   
  
A year passed, my resistance waned again, until David. Sure, there was Kat, but understand, she was no Kim. I loved her too, but things were different. She was like me, evil's tool, and the good's. A weapon. But she couldn't see it, she couldn't understand. I dated her for a while, but things fell apart, and we only kept the façade going as long as we could. My brother however rekindled that fire to fight. After we overcame our problems, I told him everything. All my hopes, my fears, my weaknesses, and he told me not to give up, to fight. I did.  
  
Then you came back, and I ensnared you back into this horrid game. You came willingly. You trusted me, and you hungered to be a Ranger again. Gold instead of red, but the same person underneath. Zordon gave you command, but you weren't his anymore, and you made sure he knew it. I looked up to you again, and I was alive without Zordon's watchful gaze constantly upon me.  
  
Then you fell, and nearly died. Did I ever tell you how scared I was? My hero had fallen; my best friend was going to die, because of me. And yet, I also felt despair. Zordon had his gaze upon me again, and my freedom was crushed.  
  
You never recovered. Even now, you're still thinner then you should be. There are bags under your eyes, too many sleepless nights. But you're free, and maybe I will be too.  
  
Finally, finally I saw my chance to fly free. But in doing so, I ensnared another. But Zordon isn't there anymore, another is. Maybe things will work out, maybe not. I don't care; TJ can take care of himself.  
  
I can see in your eyes, you can't believe I felt like this. Sorry to disillusion you, bro. Technicolor Tommy isn't all he seems. But that's all right. I'm free to live again. To burst from the powers that held me spell bound. I'm not there yet. But give me time; give me time to rebuild a soul long crushed. I'll live again, better then ever. No longer the boy who evil used, nor the boy/man mix Zordon used as a weapon. No, I am a free man, no longer believing in black and white alone. The spectrum is far more varied.   
  
Now, you understand where I've been, what do you say? Can't speak, can you? You never really knew. Never knew all that I have suffered. I don't blame you, not anymore. I won't ask for your forgiveness for hating you, but I wish for you to understand.   
  
You do, I can see it. Thank you, Jas; it's been a while since I've told another. Maybe we can mend our ways? We can't return to what we were, we've driven each other too far away to do that. We are not who we used to be, and we have far too many bloodstains and scars on our souls. But now that we're free, or nearly so, maybe we can start again.  
  
Perhaps. Perhaps we can start our lives again. This time without powers, without the color of blood, death and rage, without suppression. Lets try again.  
  
I'm Tommy Oliver, a free man at last. 


	2. Jason

Well, that seriously was going to be a one shot, until there was requests for more, and I'm glad you all liked it. Unfortunately, I don't think this is what you wanted. Seriously, this plot bunny is taking an even darker turn, but I've given it a try. No, I don't think of Jas like this, and this is certainly not my usual style.   
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
How could I have never known? I look at you now, and I see a reflection of myself, wasted away, yet you've got that fire back in your eyes. I remember that look, though the memory seems faded. You had that look when you were fifteen, just barely settled into a new place.  
  
You laugh, but I know its true. Its not the innocent fire you had, but it's a blaze that is akin to it. The blaze that signals you're alive, free, and willing to live again, for yourself this time. I had once feared that fire had died within you, and now I know, it did for a little while.  
  
I'm almost envious of you. You've gained your fire again, while mine has been dead for years. Maybe that was one of those things that killed our friendship. Every time I looked at you after you joined the team reminded me that my fire was dying, while yours burned strong, even against Zordon's oppression.  
  
Oh, I know what you're thinking, and don't give me that look. I know, you're thinking, how could anyone be envious of you? Especially Jason Scott, the boy who seemed so content. I wasn't, Tom, I felt trapped and afraid. Yes, afraid, and what did I tell you about that look?  
  
I knew I had come into contact with something too big for me to handle. I was just a kid after all. Sure, I looked and acted like a grown up, but inside, I was just a scared fifteen year old boy that wasn't ready for a war, for the blood shed, for the death, for the responsibility of the lives of four of my closest friends. I won't tell you how many times I cursed Zordon's name, I won't tell you how many times I cried silently in the dark corners of my room. I won't remind you that you're not the only one who had nightmares in those days.  
  
Yet, I was too afraid to back away. I suddenly knew there was a danger out there, a danger I couldn't ignore. If I ignored it, people would die, and that was the only thing that leashed me to Zordon, in the beginning. I learned it the first time I saw death, and I shall say, the memory of our first battle still haunts me. So many wounded, so many dead, all because of the want for power. Despair came to me after a while, and my soul grew cold and hard, because I knew I couldn't stop the cycle of blood and death.  
  
That led to the need of the ecstasy of invincibility I got every time I morphed, and you know the power is a drug. A powerful one, more powerful then cocaine, or morphine, or anything else you could try. Don't ask me how I know, you won't like the answer, and I rather not get into the subject, though, I haven't truly tried either. But the power became the stronger chain then my fear, and I'm surprised that I was able to break away.  
  
I remember when you came in, and I both hate and love that day, because of you. At first, I saw an opportunity to make another friend, possibly a close friend, out side of rangerering. I wanted that badly, to know someone outside of that death cycle, that was like me, yet not trapped. Then Rita went and destroyed that, yet I gained a friend, and a way out. I'm sorry, Tom, that is why I didn't fight it when Zordon made you leader. I couldn't, though that power possessed part of me begged to. I wanted my freedom, and you were the only way out.  
  
I betrayed you, I know I did. I saw your eyes that day, the helpless, pained, broken expression, yet I didn't have the strength to just step forward and tell Zordon not to do it. To release you from the cycle he had trapped me in.  
  
The reason why I curse that day is because I became friends with you. Rather a paradox, isn't it? When I befriended you, I saw another weakness, another way for Zordon to manipulate my loyalty, and for Rita to threaten. I was right, because I'm still not sure if I would have had the strength to kill you if we hadn't found a way to save you. And yes, Zordon gave me the task of destroying you, just like he ordered you to end my life if anything went wrong back when you had just become Turbo rangers. Our lives meant nothing to him, only that we carried out the mission. The lesser must be sacrificed for the greater, I guess.  
  
But, back to my escape, if you can call it that. I left, I was in pain. I had torn my soul apart by handing up the power to Rocky, yet I did it. My soul bled, and I had no way to stop it. I.. Well, its not wise to go into what I did during those times.  
  
If Trini and Zack hadn't been there, I don't want to think of what could have happened. They helped me out, and so did you. You never realized how much I suffered by the tone of my voice on the phone, or the way my handwriting was slightly off, and I am rather thankful for that. You clung to my knowledge, and knowing that you needed me, made me want to keep up some strength for you. I had gotten you into that situation, I could at least help you as best as I could. I pulled myself out, for you, for them, for Kim and Billy. But my fire died somewhere during that time, and I never did get over the longing, I only learned to control it.  
  
I almost forgot it at times, until I got your letters or phone calls. Kim and Bill never spoke of the power, but you did, you had to. We were too much alike, and only we could understand the pressure and pain of leadership. Then I noticed a change, and I became worried that the pressure and strain finally broke you. I truly thought the power had consumed you, as it had almost done so to me.  
  
Your letters turned into dead monologues of countless battles won, and when you did call, your voice was cold, robotic, dead. You wouldn't tell me what was wrong, you ignored it, and went on with the battles, and the death, and soon I learned to tune you out in some part of my brain, because it only brought about my memories. I finally found out what happened, and it was that which drove me home early.  
  
No matter how cold my soul grew, no matter how much I lost myself, I always retained some inner protection that instantly activated when I found out one of my friends was in danger. Its probably one of those things within that kept me alive and fighting for so long.   
  
Well, I called Kim, the only one I knew who could tell me what was wrong, and she told me the truth. No, she didn't tell you that full truth, but I will not say, that is Kim's tale to tell anyways. Don't give me that look, there are some things I am not to say, that being one of them. Anyways, she told me she broke up with you, and I suddenly knew. You had lost your soul. Kim had been your stability, your heart. You needed her to withstand everything and you broke when she slashed the bond between you two. She had to, Tom, just trust me there.  
  
Don't walk away now, I listened to you, and you need to listen to me. Simple enough, now sit down. And don't glare at me either, you know, that wiseass glare you get when you think you know better then I do.   
  
Well, I went to see you, and I found a crises while Zordon saw an opportunity to manipulate you back into his hold and me into some weakened position. I saw his trap, but I saw that I had to, Billy couldn't, and Trey needed help then. I took the gold powers, and the old feelings came back. I loved the rush again, but with the rush came pain, and for the first time, I was glad to give up the power, because I knew it was killing me. I'd fought for so long to remain alive, I didn't want to give up my life even for that ecstasy. I nearly died, and even now I'm not the same, as you pointed out. I never will be the same, inside and out. I left, to heal, to recover, and to decide my life. I went to Florida, and the final bit of severing between you and me began.  
  
Continuing on, I decided Kim needed to see you, to explain. We went back to California, but she never got the chance. Evil has bad timing, I'll say that, and she needed time to recover afterwards so she never could tell you. As for myself, I suddenly gained an understanding, about you of all things. I knew what it felt to be evil, to be out of control, to have anger and pain and rage become your whole being, and instead of telling you, I distanced myself, as you distanced yourself from me.  
  
It was bunch of misunderstandings on both our parts, you thought this and I thought that. I just didn't want to be reminded of the experience of evil, and I couldn't stand to be reminded how helpless I was without the power. I will admit, I envied and hated you for a time, because you seemed so strong and unbeatable, while all I could do was cower in the corner. Now I know differently, and I do apologize. I see now that I could do what you wanted but could not.   
  
We're not cowards, we're human, and humans were never built to fight war after war with different beings all after our souls. I don't know how you stood for so long against it, while so many tried to capture your burning, but fading spirit.   
  
I came back here to talk to you, I couldn't leave it after this, after Kim's letter. Yes, it was Kim who set up this little meeting. She's been talking to Katherine, and found out your schedule. She knew we had to make amends. We can't be like we were, I know that as well as you. Our souls are as blood stained as our red suits were and we can't fix them, but we can make amends.  
  
  
  
So yes, lets start again. Even though our souls are shattered and our hearts wounded, lets try again. Its time to move on, to begin anew.  
  
I am Jason Scott, faded but not entirely dead. 


End file.
